EXPANDED Explained: The Estrangement Escape
In our pursuit of comfort and healing, we often find ourselves instinctively distancing from pain and discomfort. Some call this bypassing, or spiritual bypassing.
Regardless of how you resonate with the language, estrangement in regards to wellbeing is defined as alienation from or showing hostility toward a person, place, event, thought or feeling (i.e., a stimulus or, in the EXPANDED Method, the trigger).
The EXPANDED Method visual below highlights the Estrangement Escape’s part in our natural, evolutionary process:
An individual is triggered or catalyzed into action by a stimulus in their (internal or external) environment — this can be a thought, feeling, person, place, or event.
The individual may choose the Estrangement Escape in an attempt to reach illumination — or understanding and insight. This may manifest as mindlessly scrolling social media, refusing to discuss the trigger, avoiding any thoughts or actions that may bring up the trigger, or being short with people who try to help (aka. the “I’m fine” response).
This experiential avoidance works well in the short term, and the individual avoids contacting pain or discomfort — this is the Zone of False Safety.
As time goes on, the individual realizes that they do not truly feel better, healthier or more comfortable with their original thought, feeling, event or person, and this can bring about more anxiety, depression, or similar unhealthy responses.
Eventually, the individual is re-presented with the trigger — the same or similar thought, feeling, event or person — and feels the weight of their avoidance. This is called the Wounded Return, and it can manifest as anxiety, depression, irritability, negativity or other trauma responses.
While it’s uncomfortable, the act of facing our challenges, pain and fears is also the most effective way to learn, integrate, heal and move on.
Our tendency to avoid discomfort stems from a desire for immediate relief, but this avoidance can inadvertently prolong our suffering. The act of avoidance is called experiential avoidance, and it has been shown to maintain or even exacerbate psychological distress. Essentially, running away really does only make things worse (don't shoot the messenger!).
Here’s the good news: The discomfort we evade holds valuable lessons and insights essential for growth and resilience.
And here is the additional good news: research shows that when individuals have a trusted guide and framework to face their pain and discomfort, the results are even better.
By confronting discomfort head-on, we create an opportunity for introspection and self-discovery. It's in these moments of vulnerability that we unravel layers of emotions and experiences, paving the way for genuine healing.
Instead of bypassing pain, we can choose to engage with it, acknowledging its existence and understanding its roots.
In a world that often glorifies quick fixes and instant gratification, the path to true comfort and healing demands patience and perseverance. It requires a shift in perspective, recognizing that discomfort is not our enemy but a guide leading us towards profound transformation.
This does not mean seeking unnecessary suffering, but rather acknowledging the inevitability of challenges and setbacks on our journey.
The EXPANDED Method uses Buddhist Psychology as a foundation for understanding suffering, and relies on the fact that suffering is a part of life. However, the extent to which we suffer can be remedied with our own work and healing, which requires us to change our perspective on painful events or feelings we experience.
It's a conscious choice to confront pain with resilience, knowing that it is a stepping stone on the path to genuine healing. In the end, the pursuit of comfort, peace and wellbeing is not about escaping pain but about transforming it into a catalyst for growth.
By embracing discomfort, we pave the way for a more profound understanding of ourselves, fostering a resilient spirit that can weather life's storms and emerge stronger on the other side.
